A friend sent me an e-mail yesterday, recommending an ‘optimism workshop’ run by a mate of his; ‘could be another tough economic year, optimism training could be helpful‘… that sort of thing.
It’s had the same effect on me as French exchange student Sebastien’s infamous critique of new blackcurrant flavour had on Ray Gardner, Spokesperson for Tango.
I’m ready to march.
I’ve had enough of optimists’ smug sense of superiority, their implacable belief that if only pessimists could be cured of their philosophical ailment then peace and happiness would reign across the globe.
So, Johnny Optimist, come and get this…
1. Your central premise has a serious factual flaw
I am not sure exactly how many human beings have come into existence since our race began, but it must now be at a level of statistical significance to satisfy even an IPA Effectiveness Awards judge.
So far, without exception, every single one has ended up dying.
I’m sorry, but everything doesn’t turn out well in the end.
It just doesn’t.
2. Optimism is the enemy of world peace, not its deliverer
Remember Dick Cheney promising Dubya that US troops would be greeted with flowers by cheering crowds of grateful Iraqis?
Remember our leaders telling us how, after a quick win in Iraq, democracy would ripple across the Middle East, opening up new hope even for the Palestinian question?
Afghanistan?!
Pessimists don’t start wars.
We know the light at the end of the tunnel is just an oncoming train.
3. You could get Arsene Wenger sacked!
Why should we be top of the league?
While we struggle on trying to balance our budget, their only challenge is finding new ways to spend it!
I could go on, but I think I’ll stop here.
No-one will be reading anyway…
